What am i supposed to do?
Warning: This blog is a vent. I need to get some thoughts out but don't really have anywhere else to put them. I can already tell it's going to be negative but hopefully I'll be able to see the positive once I'm done venting. Here goes...
Life is so frustrating!! I'm just really sick of so many things going wrong. I'm trying so hard to be patient and charitable but sometimes I wonder if life just keeps throwing me challenges just to make me break. It's like me and life are playing bloody knuckles and I keep getting hit because I'm afraid to hit life back. I don't want to be negative or rude or anything like that, but sometimes it seems like the trials are going to keep piling up until I finally break and be the negative person I don't want to be! I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude, but I can't just keep smiling when everything keeps falling apart. It's unbearable.
You might be wondering what could be so bad and I'll admit my trials are minuscule compared to a lot of people, but mine won't go away. For example, I got swine flu two weeks ago. Did it suck? Yeah. Did I complain? Tried not to. I even tried to relax and help other people while I was sick. My roommate had had it so I could kinda see that it would go away after a few days. Well the fever ended two weeks ago and I still have a cough that is keeping me from doing anything! I can't swim in the morning, I can barely go to classes sometimes and holding a conversation seems awkward for anyone talking to me because I can't complete a sentence without coughing. I get this feeling no one wants to talk to me anymore because they don't want to make me cough. My social life has gone down the drain. My roommates are great, but always going out doing something fun. So I'm stuck at home, alone on a Saturday night writing on my blog. Do I blame them for leaving? Not at all! I'm just so frustrated that I can't join them. All I can do is sit on a couch all day and do my homework or watch TV. Anything else sends me into coughing fits to where I can barely breathe and feel like throwing up. I haven't gotten a good night sleep in 2 weeks. Every night I wake up coughing and go downstairs so my roommate can get a good night sleep. I think the sleepless nights have added to my frustration.
Beyond being sick, I've lost my student ID card. Not the end of the world, but it's just something that I don't understand why it happened. Sure I can spend $15 and go get a new one. I guess my faith is just small right now. I know there's a God out there that loves me, a Savior out there that died for me. I'm just wondering why I can't find any of the relief they've promised now. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate God or anything like that. If anything, faith has gotten me through all of these minor trials without destroying any friendships or anything like that. I guess I'm just wondering when the miracle will come and how long the "trial of my faith" is supposed to last. I guess it goes even deeper than these minor trials. I've been promised so many blessings that I'm looking forward to and know will come. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do until then. How long do I have to endure before relief comes?
Even as I write this I think I'm so selfish. the pioneers wondered the same thing and many gave their lives before relief came. Prophets and apostles have lived and died martyrs relieved of their burdens only by returning to the presence of their God. It's so selfish of me to look at these small trials and think that I deserve so much more, but is it a sin to ask for relief? I don't think so. In the end, I know I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to be doing. And in the end, all I can say is "Thy will be done." Can I get used to coughing for the rest of my life? Probably, although it will make dating kinda weird. Maybe I'll have to learn a little sign language so I can communicate without coughing! Plus there's always facebook chat. I don't know. Basically I'm just trying to say that atever the solution is or whichever path the Lord wants me on, I'll try and get there. I'm not perfect and I have my days when I want to "curse God and die" but I won't. Nothing is going to stop me from being all that I'm supposed to be and all that I can be. Not a lost ID or some stupid little cough or whatever life throws at me.
Life is so frustrating!! I'm just really sick of so many things going wrong. I'm trying so hard to be patient and charitable but sometimes I wonder if life just keeps throwing me challenges just to make me break. It's like me and life are playing bloody knuckles and I keep getting hit because I'm afraid to hit life back. I don't want to be negative or rude or anything like that, but sometimes it seems like the trials are going to keep piling up until I finally break and be the negative person I don't want to be! I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude, but I can't just keep smiling when everything keeps falling apart. It's unbearable.
You might be wondering what could be so bad and I'll admit my trials are minuscule compared to a lot of people, but mine won't go away. For example, I got swine flu two weeks ago. Did it suck? Yeah. Did I complain? Tried not to. I even tried to relax and help other people while I was sick. My roommate had had it so I could kinda see that it would go away after a few days. Well the fever ended two weeks ago and I still have a cough that is keeping me from doing anything! I can't swim in the morning, I can barely go to classes sometimes and holding a conversation seems awkward for anyone talking to me because I can't complete a sentence without coughing. I get this feeling no one wants to talk to me anymore because they don't want to make me cough. My social life has gone down the drain. My roommates are great, but always going out doing something fun. So I'm stuck at home, alone on a Saturday night writing on my blog. Do I blame them for leaving? Not at all! I'm just so frustrated that I can't join them. All I can do is sit on a couch all day and do my homework or watch TV. Anything else sends me into coughing fits to where I can barely breathe and feel like throwing up. I haven't gotten a good night sleep in 2 weeks. Every night I wake up coughing and go downstairs so my roommate can get a good night sleep. I think the sleepless nights have added to my frustration.
Beyond being sick, I've lost my student ID card. Not the end of the world, but it's just something that I don't understand why it happened. Sure I can spend $15 and go get a new one. I guess my faith is just small right now. I know there's a God out there that loves me, a Savior out there that died for me. I'm just wondering why I can't find any of the relief they've promised now. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate God or anything like that. If anything, faith has gotten me through all of these minor trials without destroying any friendships or anything like that. I guess I'm just wondering when the miracle will come and how long the "trial of my faith" is supposed to last. I guess it goes even deeper than these minor trials. I've been promised so many blessings that I'm looking forward to and know will come. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do until then. How long do I have to endure before relief comes?
Even as I write this I think I'm so selfish. the pioneers wondered the same thing and many gave their lives before relief came. Prophets and apostles have lived and died martyrs relieved of their burdens only by returning to the presence of their God. It's so selfish of me to look at these small trials and think that I deserve so much more, but is it a sin to ask for relief? I don't think so. In the end, I know I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to be doing. And in the end, all I can say is "Thy will be done." Can I get used to coughing for the rest of my life? Probably, although it will make dating kinda weird. Maybe I'll have to learn a little sign language so I can communicate without coughing! Plus there's always facebook chat. I don't know. Basically I'm just trying to say that atever the solution is or whichever path the Lord wants me on, I'll try and get there. I'm not perfect and I have my days when I want to "curse God and die" but I won't. Nothing is going to stop me from being all that I'm supposed to be and all that I can be. Not a lost ID or some stupid little cough or whatever life throws at me.
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